Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I understand Curling. That high.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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