Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
