I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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