I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize