Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
