Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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