I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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