haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
