sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
