Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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