nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
