honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
