You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
be right there i have to get my cape
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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