I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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