i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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