I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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