Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i think my cat just said my name.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
