you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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