I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
