we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
