we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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