You made me cry and you don't even care
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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