The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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