i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
