i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
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