how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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