Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
