As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
