Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did I show you my penis last night?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
