no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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