So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
