This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
