You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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