The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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