Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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