Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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