I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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