Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
how does that bad decision feel?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
