i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
