i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize