I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
