So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize