I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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