My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
