i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
