My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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