are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
