I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
