love makes seman taste better
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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