Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
