Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
