if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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