His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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