No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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