TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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