Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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