using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
