dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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