I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
