i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
