You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
