Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
